Fuck you writers block.

After 2 months of writers block at last my words are free today! And I have you to thank. I realize that every man that I have feelings for some how disappoints me. Today it was you. The more I think about it the more I understand that I am only able to free my words if I am provoked or if I have some strange story to say that somehow causes me pain. Its been almost 2 years since you first contacted me and I can't say that any thing has really happened except well, I have had 1 serious relationship somewhat and I have dated a few people none of which have been you. I don't know why I am surprised. At the end of the day, I still feel like I have this dark little Groover cloud over me- and it is there to remind me that I can only really create out of misery. Perhaps this is why I am the eternal perpetual hopeless romantic. Now you are ready for fun and free after the release of your glorified roommate head lock and there you are so fun to look at, so sweet tasting, so clever and charming, so available, so close and yet so far far away from my reality. Really just, Me- #him.

Danger: Extreme Highs and Severe Lows Ahead

He is able read my moods, needs, and desires. This makes me feel important and admired. Which far outweighed the feelings of abandonment his absence would bring. Every time he picked me up he would whisk me to another fantasyland adventure. (Far from everyone I knew.) The impending pause, did indeed, highlight the beauty of the moments we shared, but also kept my heart chained, bound, and firmly on the ground. This is an addicting pattern I had to experience, but this type of love drug warrants a warning label. Danger: Extreme Highs and Severe Lows Ahead: Tears of joy shed one day will be accompanied by tears on your pillow the next. May also lead to extreme bouts of insecurity, questioning ones value. Wondering, “Why doesn’t he call…text, email, send smoke signals, a message in a bottle, a homing pigeon, or a rumor via mill?” I was smack dab in the middle of “Beautiful” Sigh… Still, I realized, I have to grow a pair and muster up the strength to say…”Good Bye.” Yes, it’s a beautiful part-time love story… a lovely dream. But alas, perhaps it’s time for me to wake up and face reality. His ability to know exactly what I want, taught me how to read me, too. I realized I loved every minute with him, because he is everything I want in a full-time relationship…but this was relationship-light. It’s a good dress rehearsal, but I want opening night. I don’t want to be a stand-in. I want to be the leading lady. If someone just like, him, under those circumstances, answered my new ad? Well then, that would be even more “Beautiful”.

Dear Valentine, I want the Fairytale.

Dear Valentine, In a world of commercialized surrealism, have we become another Valentine? Im not sure who I write to anymore. At first it was heart break, then it became resentment and pain, forgotten love and regret of things left unsaid. Disdain.

I wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. Enough, goodbye.

So Iater today...

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and situations, about causes and effects and about actions and reactions... I'm going to focus on the things that I want in a relationship. Its quite simple. Its been established that I want the fairytale, although I get a lot of shit for my high expectations of unrealistic "love". I'm a hopeless romantic so what? There isn't anything wrong with that. If you want to lower the bar so that your created reality cannot destroy you go right ahead. I choose to accept that those relationships that have hurt me in the past haven't really made me any stronger- but however they have made me raise the bar for the next "pretend" Prince Charming. This makes the journey a little more interesting. The past couple of days I've been inspired and although I'm not sure why exactly, I think it has a lot to do with the realization of what "is". Love is like an illusion. What exactly happened? How did it happen? I didn't see it coming? It is a very thin, delicate tulle of silk or nylon having a cobwebbed appearance, for trimmings, veilings- Its obscure and at the same time incandescent. It fills you with a bright ardor, that is purposeful and extraordinary or does it? Then somewhere a long the line we are awesomely greeted by our two friends which we were hoping didn't join the debauchery: Failed Hope and Elevated Expectation. All of a sudden the illusion turns into a disillusion much Cinderella's Slippers and horse and carriage and just like that the fairytale turns into a bittersweet mixture of illusion and disenchantment- Is that what love it?

Hello 2013

Dear, 2013 Be good to me. I want the fairytale.

Am I setting myself up for failure in the search for Prince Charming?

Please don't tell me the fairytale is really just a tall tale of make pretend pancakes. Will the real Fendi please stand up? The Anti Knock Off, Me.